Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
