Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
