I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
