Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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