last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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