chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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