All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
