I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
