I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
