I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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