I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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