My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
