i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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