He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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