You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
