New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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