So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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