Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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