i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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