So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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