Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
