I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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