Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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