I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
