yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
