Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
