she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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