Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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