And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
