sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
