I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
