Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
