The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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