What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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