My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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