I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
