The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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