so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
