If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
