im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
