bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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