We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
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I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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