considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
