I can text with my tongue
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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