I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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