God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Can I color on your dick again?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
