i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
