Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
