Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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