Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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