I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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