The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
