You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize