You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
