so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
