Taylor Swift is so right about you.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
