happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
