Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
