I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
