i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
