I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
pray to the hookup gods
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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