Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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